Updated: Apr 17
We all want that extra edge, the tip or trick that would give us an advantage over the competition. It applies in dating. You welcome any advice that you could practice that would make her pick you over that other guy. While this is admirable, it makes us susceptible to the poor, and sometimes downright terrible, advice given by the dating "gurus" and PUAs. Here are 5 "wolves in sheep clothing" you should be aware of.
"You Should Act Uninterested"
This one is very common and very pervasive. The “gurus” tell you women want what they feel cannot have and the more interest you show, the less she will be attracted to you. I can definitely see how guys could get this idea- both women and men aren’t attracted to needy people.
Being needy means that you require validation from external sources. This term is usually applied when the source of the validation is another person. Also, if you act uninterested, you can appear “High Status”. The term “high status” is used in the PUA world (Pick-Up Artist) to refer to men who have a high position in the socio-economic hierarchy.
So, if you act uninterested you can attract women, not appear needy and appear “High Status”. It’s a win-win-win! So, what is the problem?
From my experience and the experience of most of the men and women I have talked too, they agree that the sooner you show interest- the better your chances. What happens is that when a guy shows his interest in a woman, it opens the doors for a more romantic conversation to happen. The atmosphere slightly changes from a completely platonic relationship to one where flirting can happen. If the atmosphere remains platonic for too long, without a reason, you will risk losing your chance.
Keep in mind when showing your interest that there is a difference between a slight smile and proposing on the first date. Show your interest, but keep her guessing. That creates sexual tension and makes the initial encounter fun and playful.
As a bonus, you will also know if she is interested or not. This goes for both sexes. Guys, ask yourself if you would prefer a woman to show interest rather than “act” uninterested? I’m sure we would all prefer a more transparent relationship. In fact, the sooner you show interest, the higher your chances and the quicker you are aware of where both of you stand. The worse case would be to get friend-zoned and not even knowing it.
This one has done, and still does a lot of damage. Some people say “in dating you have to sell yourself”. You have to highlight your good points. Show what makes you the better guy. Flex those metaphorical, and literal, muscles and sweep her off her feet!
I smile when I think of how stupid I was as a freshman in college for listening to this garbage. I felt I had to flaunt what I thought made me better than the other guys. I am sure we all have that one friend that drops a hundred bucks at the bars buying women drinks for a chance to talk with them.
There is just no positive to this advice, because it basically turns you into a clown. I see way too many guys at bars and clubs bending over backward, sometimes literally, to impress a girl they just met. Why? Because that apparently how you get women. I’m being sarcastic of course. Men, never sacrifice your pride for attention.
On a more serious note, the aspect of you that should be impressive is who you are, not what you can do. If you somehow feel that you are an unimpressive specimen of a man, fix that! There are resources online that are designed to help. If you need specific help you can post on this DISCUSS page and I will personally assist you. That’s what this platform’s for.
The biggest reason this is terrible advice is simply because of the type of women you attract. There is a saying that goes “you attract what you put out”. If you are a guy who flaunts money to attract women, you’ll get women who want your money aka Gold Diggers. This also applies to non-materialistic things like the ability to make her laugh. The problem with this tactic is that there is always someone better, someone richer, someone funnier. If something terrible happens to you and you become depressed- it’s going to be hard to crack jokes. If someone is with you only because of something you provide for them, that relationship is not genuine and will crumble when that river stops flowing.
You owe it to yourself to find a genuine relationship.
"Do Not Give Up, Keep Chasing"
The person who came up with this one has clearly never heard of the phrase- “no means no”. I do not blame guys who fall for this one- this is heavily romanticized on TV. The guy who tries 100 times and finally gets the girl. Makes you feel all warm inside, doesn’t it?
Sadly, the real world does not often play out like the movies depict. If a woman is not interested, she is not interested. I am sure there are exceptions where things worked out, and I would love to hear your story, but for most people that is not the case.
Of course, there are moral (and legal) consequences for pushing after someone says no, but the reason this is on this list is because it lowers your value as a man. There is a saying that goes, “Never waste your feelings on people who do not value you”.
Also, given that narcissism is rising rapidly in our society, there are more than enough people who will keep “potential options” available simply for the ego boost. If you do not recognize your own value, you are lining up to be used by people like this.
"Focus on women’s preferences"
Some guys try to make themselves into a man that women would want. They adopt a persona that aligns with the mainstream demands of women. If women say they love bad boys, guys like this would adopt a bad boy persona or incorporate those traits into their own character. If she loves nice guys, these guys will become as “nice” as they need to be to win her over.
Since doing this requires you to suppress your innate character, you become fake. On top of that, this approach does not work for two reasons.
The women you do attract will be incompatible with you.
Like I mentioned earlier, you attract what you put out. I am sure a lot of you guys have heard stories about men, and women, whose personalities changed after they got into a relationship. These relationships never workout because it was based on a false persona, sometimes even multiple false personas. You can’t keep that up indefinitely and you will eventually let your guard down.
The second reason this approach fails is because what women state as their preferences are not entirely accurate.
This is not to say that they are lying. When you ask women what traits they like in a man, they will usually give a socially acceptable response. “A nice guy”. “Adventurous”. “Funny”. Of course, these are desirable traits, but these are also socially acceptable responses.
People have desires they do not speak about publicly because they may be dark, weird, or simply different.
Fifty Shades of Grey was an immensely popular book among women. It depicted some “preferences” that the readers would never confess to if they were asked about them, unless maybe in private conversation.
As a man, you should understand this. Imagine someone asked you, “What are you looking for in a woman?”. Your response would vary depending on who was asking. The answer you give your parents would be different from what you’d tell your bros. We tend to respond with answers that are acceptable to those who are asking.
At the end of the day, it is best for you to simply be genuine to yourself. If you think you know what a particular woman’s preferences are, you don’t.
"Just Be Confident"
Guys, what comes to mind when someone tells you to “just be confident”? Do you picture a James Bond-like character? Or a larger-than-life personality? Someone who isn’t afraid to be at the center of attention? While these are confident traits, they may not be YOUR confident traits.
Telling someone to be confident is good advice, but from my experience what tends to happen is that people simply mimic those actions of confident people. Rather than being confident, they act confident; they mimic confident behavior.
I am guilty of this. In a way, I was brainwashed through movies and TV shows to view confidence as a set of specific traits and behaviors. I thought I was not confident unless I acted a certain way. The Media makes you feel inadequate just to market their "solutions" to you.
Confidence is not a behavior, but a mindset. The reason acting confident never works is because you are trying to embody personality traits that are not your own. It is easier to be confident in your work than in someone else’s. Besides, when you only see confidence as a set of traits, the less of those traits you naturally have, the worse you feel about yourself. Also, the more of those traits you try to incorporate, the more internal conflicts you will face and that further reduces your confidence. It is a vicious cycle.
In dating and relationships, you need to be as genuine to yourself as possible and seek a partner who does the same. When you both have to face each other, that is when growth happens and true bonds are formed. Remember, the grass is greener where you water it, just be sure you are not watering the wrong lawn.